SO, WHAT ABOUT …
BOUNDARIES sound defensive at the onset, but when I learned about establishing boundaries I found them to be OFFENSIVE!
My first venture into understanding and establishing boundaries was when I spoke with the Pastor at my new church. I had been attending a Greek Orthodox Church just to keep peace in my family but never was comfortable with several of the rules with which I disagreed. Also, the connection Orthodox parishioners had with their church was based strongly on family traditions, which were lovely – the foods, the holiday celebrations, hugs, great extended family connections, but this seemed misdirected! When attending church transitioned to sitting on the couch on Sunday mornings for an online attendance because we had moved away from “the church” I began to explore other options. I became brave and once per month, attended a local Protestant church. Without realizing it I had established my first boundary and protected my “right” to go to my church once per month.
THEN BEGAN THE
It was about this time that my daughter asked me a life-changing question: “Do you know that Dad is a Narcissist?” I did not even know what was meant by a Narcissist. In my pursuit to figure out my situation, I approached the Pastor at my new church, asking if he could recommend a therapist, someone I could meet with. He asked another church member who is a psychologist, but a not someone trained to help me. She recommended a practice whom I called and was placed on their “several month” waiting list. The Pastor offered to meet in the meantime to see if he could be of some help. Through his Sunday messages, I felt this would be a possible source for help. For our first meeting, I made an outline of my situation, 40+ years of stuff, so that I could succinctly explain to him where I was coming from.
When my Pastor recovered from the shock of it all, (future blogs content) he chose a book from his library shelf which is titled “Boundaries” and suggested I begin to read this resource. This book and continued meetings with the Pastor became life-changing. To follow, are some stories, excerpts from the book, other “Boundary” resources and some of my results.
Let’s start with an easy one – the phone calls!
This may seem trite on the surface, but when HE and I were not together, it was expected that I would be always available by phone, and not just to take HIS calls, but that I should be calling HIM regularly to show that I cared about HIM. So, this is not so bad, except that if I did not answer HIS call or if I did not call HIM when HE thought I should, there would be an uproar. His reaction and ranting would be so loud and so lengthy that I would set down my phone and empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, etc. and just let HIM go on. However, I still heard HIM, still felt horrible, and then apologized for what I had caused. Remember, this began before cell phones, so I was to be at the location of the land line when HE called or report in as HE expected. Pastor and the book helped me to establish a different response mechanism to this. If I missed a call, missed calling in, or just did not want to talk (often due to his previous call ranting) I would simply say “I do not want to listen to your anger so I am going to hang up” – and HANG UP!
I also trained HIM that I was not going to be calling just to “check in” when I was travelling or attending meetings. I began to ask myself, “Do I want to talk to him?” and act accordingly. If HE screamed, “Why didn’t you call me?” I learned to calmly respond “YOU were screaming at me!”. It was hard for me to change, but maybe even harder for HIM to adjust.
The Girlfriends – yes, with an “s”
HE had several along the way; I guess it required more than me to meet his “special and deserved” needs. Promises were made before God at the altar when we were married, but circumstances changed, he needed and deserved more?? I “forgave” this several times (other blog stories) but, apologies and new commitments HE made, never lasted.
“We have a child now and I am a good Dad. You live in a nice house, have everything you could want”. Because I had no real boundaries, I would sleep in the other room and be very angry for a short time, but then back to whatever our relationship was, no real consequences for HIM. So the next interesting woman who came along, who wanted HIS lifestyle and money (at this time HE was quite wealthy ) would become HIS new interest. I finally had enough of this; the final relationship with his executive assistant was his last because I finally had a boundary. This was no longer acceptable so for the last year or two, I stayed with HIM only for optics, slept in a separate room, for enough time to decide just what I would do. The children were now adults. I began making preparations for my life. Could boundaries allow me to live as I now knew was right, but keep the optics in place, stay with HIM unders a whole new set of boundaries?
As I began and continued reading, contemplating, exploring written resources, the book “Boundaries” became the one that tied things together for me, began to make sense of it all. With page 27, I reflected on what things were my responsibility and what were not, I needed to recognize the conflict for what it was and build a desire to do the right thing. A later blog will address my children (adults now). For many years, I thought I was doing the “right” thing by avoiding conflict. I had to recognize the consequences not only I had as a result, but what my children experienced through our destructive family dynamic and admit to my error in avoiding conflict at great cost. Page 28 poses a list of questions:
- Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
- What are legitimate boundaries?
- What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
- How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy or money? –( this one is significant for me in that I had given all of these to the point that I was no longer a person, I was living as an appendage of someone else)
- Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
- How do boundaries relate to submission?
- Aren’t boundaries selfish?
With the help of this resource, I now refer to boundaries to think about my need to be KIND but FIRM! It has taken many years, many steps toward this necessary change toward being able to say “NO” at the appropriate moments, to the appropriate situations, and say “YES” to the things which were important to me. There are guilt feelings I have, mostly regarding the number of years that I acted as a Super-Empath, and the associated difficulty understanding that I was taken advantage of. Just what am I now responsible for?
I AM BRINGING OUT WHAT IS INSIDE OF ME – WHO “I” AM.
I CAN NO LONGER BLAME HIM!
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS, NOT HIS.
To be Continued in next Blog “Boundaries, Part II – The RV
