OUR AGREEMENT(s) MEANT NOTHING TO HIM!!
From my journal dated ________________________
Today was, simply stated, a most awful day. It all started over a year ago. HE and I had agreed that the beach condo was what we wanted. He had eyes on this location for two years and a unit was for sale (open house) and HE visited the unit. He called and I was in. We had agreed that the motor home would be sold and a change made. The condo was what we wanted. The offer was negotiated and the unit was ours!
(My son and I went to Florida to make the move). We emptied the motor home and the RV resort lot. This was 2 days of sheer torture; its baffling how much stuff can be in an RV. We delivered the motorhome to the sales lot and our mission was accomplished.
Only to discover a few weeks later that an even larger, more luxurious, motor coach was on its way. (I learned this from HIS assistant.)
So much for what WE agreed on! When I asked about this, he said, “it is for sale, I am going to make money on it”. (My recently established boundaries kicked in.) I clearly stated that I wanted nothing to do with this coach; I was not cleaning it, loading it, or travelling in it! I MEANT WHAT WE HAD AGREED TO; SELL THE MOTORHOME, BUY THE FLORIDA CONDO! I am tired of racing down the road, crossing the country and glancing at sights, scramble to find a camp spot, partially hook up, make up a bed, figure out how to have a hot shower, only to wake up and race down the road again. (journal entry ends)
I had spoken with my Pastor about the choice I was making to stay in my shell of a marriage because I had let this toxic relationship go on for so long that it would not be right to walk out. I was being honest with myself and working on being honest with HIM as to my withdrawal from the marriage. I referred to this as a “HYBRID” solution to my extreme unhappiness, a method to gain some semblance of myself within the confines of my family structure. This would require my being strong and taking stands on issues which is challenging for me. Much of this had to do with the realization that I was dealing with an extremely coercive controlling personality and that I no longer could be silent mostly because of how this impacted the children. Pastor reminded me that on the other side of a difficult conversation was progress.
I finally got an appointment time and met with the psychologist for whom I had been waiting. Her recommendation was to leave – but I was sure that my HYBRID approach was the safest and best for my family.
BACK TO THE RV STORY
THE DISPARITY COULD NOT HAVE BEEN GREATER
I remember the day HE drove a new motorcoach into the driveway, proud of his purchase. Now he would have the finest coach at any RV resort where he stayed. He would no longer have to look at other coaches and feel they were better. The one we had sold was already very nice—new, spacious, and full of slide-outs—almost the best.
Buying major things without my involvement was nothing new, but this was the most egregious because there was an “agreement” that we were done with motorhomes. Not to mention the financial situation I could see coming.
He expected me to start preparing the coach for our travels, and was surprised when I simply walked into the house with no interest in the coach at all. The next day, he began loading the coach and asked me for towels, linens, and other supplies. I told him they were in the second-floor laundry room. This went on for several days.
Eventually, he realized I was angry. I reminded him several times of our agreement, but he believed, as in the past, I would eventually come around.
HE drove the “new” RV to a service center several hours away. Motorhomes always need something repaired or replaced! Different from the past, I did not go along for that trip.
HE WORE ME DOWN
After several weeks of work, it was time to pick up the RV and HE asked that I go along to help pick it up and then we drive a few hours north from there for a short trip. Because of my “hybrid” approach, I was worn down and agreed to an RV trip.
I let him know that I had Wednesday thru Monday available. I made this clear with him but figuring I had not boundary, HE put off leaving until early Friday morning. I was awoken at 4:00 am that morning to leave for a 5 hour journey, headed west toward the state of Indiana from our home. I reminded him that I only had until Monday, that I had work commitments for the remainder of that following week. The coach was ready and instructions on its operation reviewed. We travelled north to Michigan. A vehicle was in tow behind, my job was to find a place to stay that night. As in the past, I got on my phone to find a place to park for the night. It was summer, tourist season, and RV parks were full – with travelers who actually made plans! I found one spot open in a state park, on a lake, but there were no hook-ups. We have a generator so not a problem! The spot was quite small and the park only offered outhouses. The RV squeezed into the tight spot. The generator allowed for slide outs, but there was space only for partial extension. We drove the car to dinner, arrived back, turned on the generator expecting warm showers and TV. Only one problem, the generator power would not connect to the electronics for anything to work! No hot water, no kitchen appliances, no TV. This is not atypical with HIM and his lack of planning, lack of understanding the intricacies of owning an RV. HE just had to have his own space, be enabled to act without planning or committing. Luckily, we found a spot in an RV park for the next two nights and could use the power there. However, his plan became to drive back to Indiana, have additional repairs done, and then drive back to Michigan to continue the trip.
SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT
Remember, I had clearly stated that I was only available until Monday – I now had a BOUNDARY that I expected him to honor. I told him that I would find a flight back home for Monday and then I could re-join the Michigan trip as my schedule allowed. Of course, this was not acceptable because in the past I would never have had such a firm position in the matter. As a matter of fact, I was ALWAYS AVAILABLE in the past. HE was quite upset when I found a flight from a nearby airport for Monday. When it came time for me to go to the airport, he was quite unhappy that I was leaving. It was a small airport and he walked inside with me. There was a group of women with their golf bags and it was obvious that they were friends on a trip. I said something like “it would be nice to go on a golf trip with my friends” and he became even more upset that I would even think of doing something WITHOUT HIM! Another BOUNDARY needed. His unhappiness about my leaving remained between us at this time. It was very hard for me to leave, but I now had the resolve to respect myself.
As time moves forward, the story of his anger becomes more and more intense and public over my honoring my own schedule and setting boundaries on travel with him.
