My relationship with HIM began as
an intoxicating level of attention like nothing I had ever experienced.
HE proved to be masterful at using “love bombing” and swept me off my feet.
“and then drop you off a cliff. But the initial seduction is so strong that when things do go south, its hard not to feel that you’re to blame or that somehow you should be able to get that wonderful person back.” (Gaslighting, Stephanie Moulton Sarkis)
One of the high points of my marriage was the birth of my daughter, 40 years ago. The women’s luxury retail business we had started was going quite well, it had afforded us the opportunity to purchase a lovely home, enjoy vacations, dining out, exposure to some extravagant life pleasures. It was a bit of struggle to conceive, but all went well. HE was so attentive throughout the pregnancy, so happy to have a daughter. I was on the pedestal.
I thought all was the way it should be, that things had changed! I, of course, significantly decreased my time at the business which had grown to 3 locations. Then, the “honeymoon” phase of having a child was over. The love bombing phase was over.
HE would come home and ask, “what did you do all day?” The solution to this was so unbelievably shallow – if I vacuumed the family room navy carpet, all was OK. I could go with my daughter to the swimming club all day and simply vacuum for 10 minutes! HE was unhappy when I was not at work, and unhappy if HE thought I was there too much. I put myself on a part-time schedule which was good for everyone. Then, the business travel increased, he was away more and more. Often to one of the retail stores a few hours away. I suspected, then discovered that HE was with one of the employees whom I will call Jennifer. (By the way, this is the first of several.) Close to Christmas, I found a photo of a diamond tennis bracelet on his desk and kind of thought “what a lovely gift idea”. I received a small ring with a few small diamonds which was nice. A few days later, I went to the jeweler to have it adjusted, and the salesperson asked, “How do you like your bracelet?”. From my puzzled reaction, he fumbled around and asked about my ring. After a bit of time, I walked in on HIM reaching for Jennifer’s hand across the store counter and saw she was wearing the tennis bracelet. I left, my suspicions were that it was someone different at the business, not her. This was the beginning of a very low point in the marriage. I would be putting our daughter to bed, often come downstairs to HIM being gone, go to bed later and HE would slip in “quietly” at all hours of the early morning. I must say that my reaction was just to stay in the same house, make everyone else believe that all was fine. But at this time, we were beginning to be married only on paper. A few months later, HE had just departed “on a business trip” to California, and as I checked pockets for laundry, there was a note, obviously it was in Jennifer’s very “left-handed” printing with a California phone number, remember, we did not have cell phones at this time.
I called the number and not to my surprise, Jennifer answered. I just stated that I knew HE was on HIS way, just let him know I called. I STILL DID NOT LEAVE HIM!
To complete this chapter of this story, it was not long after this incident that the bank foreclosed on HIS loan (another blog chapter) and in in order for our home to unaffected, I got a job with a healthcare organization (details of this is another chapter as well) and one of my benefits was an EAP. I also asked one of the physicians I was working with if he could recommend an attorney to handle a divorce. When I approached HIM that this is what I wanted, HE asked that I meet with a counselor. For the first time, I was completely honest about how our relationship had come to where it was, I told of the infidelity and physical abuse. The counselor told me that if HE ever touched me again or threatened, I was to immediately call 911, HE would be arrested.
Believe it or not, this began what I thought were the best years of our marriage, that HE finally had changed! He immediately stopped the physical abuse, owned up to what HE had done, and I thought he had ended the relationship with Jennifer. There were many “reasons” that caused him to do these things. HE had started a new company in which she was employed, and along with his having a falling out with those partners and leaving the company, I believed we were on our way to our new life.
I WAS ON THE PEDASTAL!! AGAIN!!!
However, the charm was still all part of HIS game, that wonderful person did not last for long. My next blog will be an even more graphic entry about the reality of continued life with HIM – once again, the LOVE BOMBING did not last!
Years later, I was again on a path toward separation. But my recurring sense of GUILT continued to be unresolved. Why had I stayed with HIM for so many years? Would he take it out on my kids if I left? This has been very difficult to come to terms with. Counseling and some references, (found on the reference page), especially the book titled “Gaslighting” by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD., have been helpful.
My relationship with HIM for our many years together was filled with turmoil, I felt shame in it being my fault. I am gradually learning that I was seduced by HIS charm and the periods of calm, normalized moments, only to be followed by HIS abusive behavior, were by HIS design; but I was always left wondering what had I done to continuously upset HIM?
The Love Bombing recurred, I was on and off the pedestal throughout the years with HIM. I am improving but I still struggle not to feel guilty about it being so many years of my life and my children’s lives.
