My relationship with HIM began as
an intoxicating level of attention like nothing I had ever experienced.
HE proved to be masterful at using “love bombing” and swept me off my feet.
“and then drop you off a cliff. But the initial seduction is so strong that when things do go south, its hard not to feel that you’re to blame or that somehow you should be able to get that wonderful person back.” (Gaslighting, Stephanie Moulton Sarkis)
One of the happiest moments of my marriage was the birth of my daughter 40 years ago. At the time, the women’s luxury retail business we had started was doing well. It allowed us to buy a lovely home, take vacations, dine out, and experience some of life’s luxuries. Conceiving had been somewhat difficult, but everything turned out well. HE was attentive throughout the pregnancy and thrilled to have a daughter. I was on the pedestal.
I believed everything was finally as it should be—that things had truly changed. Naturally, I spent much less time at the business, which had grown to three locations. Then the “honeymoon” stage of having a child ended, and so did the love bombing phase.
HE would come home and ask, “What did you do all day?” I discovered that the solution was almost absurdly simple: if I vacuumed the navy carpet in the family room, everything was fine. I could spend the entire day at the swimming club with my daughter, then vacuum for ten minutes and HE thought I had worked hard that day! HE was unhappy when I was not at work, yet also unhappy if he thought I was there too much, so I put myself on a part-time schedule that seemed better for everyone. Then his business travel increased, and he was away more often—frequently to one of the other retail stores a few hours away. I suspected, and later discovered, that HE was with an employee I will call Jennifer. By the way, she was the first of several affairs during our marriage. Close to Christmas, I found a photo of a diamond tennis bracelet on his desk and thought it seemed like a lovely gift idea. I received a small ring with a few small diamonds, which was nice. A few days later, when I went to the jeweler to have it adjusted, the salesperson asked, “How do you like your bracelet?” Seeing my puzzled reaction, he stumbled and quickly asked about my ring instead. Not long after, I walked in on HIM reaching for Jennifer’s hand across the store counter and saw that she was wearing the tennis bracelet. I left. I had suspected someone at the business, but not her. That moment marked the beginning of a very low point in our marriage. I would put our daughter to bed, come downstairs, and often find HIM gone. Later, after I went to bed, HE would slip in “quietly” at all hours of the early morning. My reaction was simply to stay in the same house and make everyone else believe everything was fine. But by then, we were beginning to be married only on paper. A few months later, after HE left “on a business trip” to California, I was checking pockets for laundry and found a note, clearly written in Jennifer’s very left-handed printing, with a California phone number. This was before cell phones.
I called the number and not to my surprise, Jennifer answered. I just stated that I knew HE was on HIS way, just let him know I called. I STILL DID NOT LEAVE HIM!
To complete this chapter of this story, it was not long after this incident that the bank foreclosed on HIS loan (another blog chapter) and in in order for our home to unaffected, I got a job with a healthcare organization (details of this is another chapter as well) and one of my benefits was an EAP. I also asked one of the physicians I was working with if he could recommend an attorney to handle a divorce. When I approached HIM that this is what I wanted, HE asked that I meet with a counselor. For the first time, I was completely honest about how our relationship had come to where it was, I told of the infidelity and physical abuse. The counselor told me that if HE ever touched me again or threatened, I was to immediately call 911, HE would be arrested.
Believe it or not, this began what I thought were the best years of our marriage, that HE finally had changed! He immediately stopped the physical abuse, owned up to what HE had done, and I thought he had ended the relationship with Jennifer. There were many “reasons” that caused him to do these things. HE had started a new company in which she was employed, and along with his having a falling out with those partners and leaving the company, I believed we were on our way to our new life.
I WAS ON THE PEDASTAL!! AGAIN!!!
However, the charm was still all part of HIS game, that wonderful person did not last for long. My next blog will be an even more graphic entry about the reality of continued life with HIM – once again, the LOVE BOMBING did not last!
Years later, I was again on a path toward separation. But my recurring sense of GUILT continued to be unresolved. Why had I stayed with HIM for so many years? Would he take it out on my kids if I left? This has been very difficult to come to terms with. Counseling and some references, (found on the reference page), especially the book titled “Gaslighting” by Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, PhD., have been helpful.
My relationship with HIM for our many years together was filled with turmoil, I felt shame in it being my fault. I am gradually learning that I was seduced by HIS charm and the periods of calm, normalized moments, only to be followed by HIS abusive behavior, were by HIS design; but I was always left wondering what had I done to continuously upset HIM?
The Love Bombing recurred, I was on and off the pedestal throughout the years with HIM. I am improving but I still struggle not to feel guilty about it being so many years of my life and my children’s lives.
