YES, I knew him from the start. It was not like others’ situations, young women I’ve heard from who had the perfect dating time, the wonderful love of their life, the perfect, caring, sensitive, boyfriend, who becomes a real monster as a husband. NO, I knew him from the start, just a few dates into the relationship.
Yet, I stayed! Why?
HE was the very popular boy in high school, the one who was known by everyone! He had the car, the clothes, the personality, the confidence, the one who would never notice someone like me. The one who broke so many hearts. One year behind him, and not the most popular girl in my class, he never would have noticed me. Don’s get me wrong, I was fine with friends, confidence, good grades, family, was having a good high school experience;
Not so much experience with the dating, boyfriend part; but still, happy with friends, plenty of typical social experiences, not getting into major trouble.
One year into post high school education, we met at a small party held by a community service club at a local college campus. We both knew a few of the others at the party as they were friends from our high school years. HE paid a lot of attention to me; I had a nice time! A fund raiser car wash was his opportunity to teach me a first lesson, how to correctly wash a car. A date was set, a drive to a small-town event about two hours away, with instructions to pack a picnic, for the next day. I hustled up to put something together. He picked me up in his spotless, shiny VW and off we went, a lovely day!
Basing this on a true story, I do not recall the next few dates, but somewhere along the way, he let me know that he had been watching me as I worked behind the counter at a local ice cream shop, even sent his dates in for their cones as he waited in the car, he did not want me to see him with others. His intent was to compliment me, and it worked.
So, of course, I stayed!
Looking back much later in life and having searched and learned about my painful existence, I know this was his method for “hunting the prey he desired” – this has become apparent to me, as so many other things have.
Some memories are very vivid as if they happened just a few years ago. One dark evening, on our way home from a date, he began to talk about how his parents were paying his way through college. This would be tuition and books as we all lived with our parents even during post-secondary school. And, his aunts bought him a car. I was a student at a local hospital to become a healthcare tech; HE adamantly stated that I should go to college and that my parents should pay for it; that I should be going to college rather than what I had chosen. I said that my parents were not paying for any of my siblings or myself to go to college, we figured it out on our own, with practical support, room, meals, family car use, etc. After back and forth a bit, this was not something I could commit to on behalf of my parents, he became increasingly angry and finally, (this is something I still re-experience), my head was slammed sideways into the car window, as he was still driving. THIS IS THE FIRST OF INTERMITTENT PHYSICAL ABUSE – SADLY, I STILL FEEL MY HEAD HIT THAT WINDOW. I went home … told no one The next day, I answered his call (a house phone) and continued seeing him as if nothing happened. Maybe the worst part is that HE called me as if nothing happened.
Yet, I stayed. Why?
Sadly, this pattern of abuse happened off and on for years, I do not recall all of the specifics of all of the events. Hindsight, it kept happening because I did not stand up for myself and he took advantage of my tolerance.
HE controlled my relationships with others. I gave up one of the best friends I ever had because HE believed her to be a bad influence. Even after so many times that I turned away her invites to do some of the activities we had done for years, even turned down time just to hang out, she did give up. She never stopped being kind to me, never became angry with me, we just parted ways quietly, slowly, went our separate ways. Her gentle mother was concerned with what was happening with me, my own mother expressed concern that I was just doing whatever HE wanted, but I just kept doing what I thought I was supposed to do. They did not know the half of it! But, I knew, and I just kept repeating the same behavior and HE kept repeating his same controlling and abusive behavior.
At times, HE would apologize for becoming angry but warned me that it was a reaction to something I did or said, that if I just had not instigated, the hurt would never have happened.
Life with HIM also meant a very lavish lifestyle as HE (not us) accomplished some significant business outcomes, rewarding HIM with eventual multi-million dollar bank accounts. HE felt I should be appreciative to be along for the ride. And, I fell into that scenario for many years. But, the physical and emotional abuse was ever-present, and then came the affairs – several I knew about, several suspected.
And yet, I stayed. Why?
Life with him meant a daughter, someone with whom I have a wonderful relationship for 40 years! And an adopted son, also a great relationship. Being a mom and having a special enjoyment from being around children, has been one of my life’s blessings. However, especially with my daughter, as the years went on it became apparent that HE did not share the same principles as mine in regard to loving and raising our children. He was very jealous of the time I spent with the kids. He was emotionally abusive with our children. I spent inordinate energy trying to smooth things over, to make up for the harm I knew he was doing to the kids – not physical but emotional. They also observed his being physically abusive toward me and very controlling. With money, he was sure to be very generous with me, that made things right … that’s what I was led to believe at the time.
So, of course, I stayed.
I will say it was not for the money, it was something much more painful than fear of losing the “money”.
More details and stories will roll out by topic through blog posts. About 7 years ago, my adult daughter said to me, “Do you know that dad is a narcissist?” I responded, “What is that?”.
And so began my journey into the dark and painful truth of my existence, that I had been in a toxic and abusive relationship for almost 50 years!
