The Narcissist and the Empath – “Beauty (Victim) and The Beast (a REAL BEAST)“
Why this title?
The term Narcissist comes from the Greek God, Narcissus
Legacy of Narcissus
The story of Narcissus serves as a powerful moral lesson across cultures and generations. It’s a poignant reminder of the dangers of excessive pride and vanity. Narcissus’ fate demonstrates the perils of becoming overly absorbed in one’s own image and the importance of empathy and recognition of others. His story has transcended time, continuing to be a relevant and cautionary tale about the consequences of self-obsession and indifference to the feelings of others.
Take a look at this reference for more information about the Greek God who is the basis for this term.
There is much more to this personality trait and possible personality disorder that is explained in more articles and check-lists than I would have ever believed to be out there. I had never explored anything in regard to my situation. I simply had denied my reality for HOW LONG?
Most of my family time was spent trying to figure out how to act, how to respond, how to support my kids in the way I knew was right, without prompting an event of HIS rage. Walking on eggshells became the norm. Grey Rocking became the norm. I did not always get it right. Things would be smooth, I would believe that life had taken a turn in the right direction, and then, a reminder of what the response was to some instigating event, maybe I did not pay attention to what he meant or wanted, I should have read his mind, maybe a business partner challenged him, etc. I began to realize that together we could never resolve any problems. I had zero contribution. How he kept me stuck in a corner. Our conversations just went in circles always ending where he wanted to be. Everything I did was to keep peace – placating, making sure everything was just right so he wouldn’t get upset, making sure I didn’t have the wrong tone or the wrong look, did not dare show any kind of negative emotion. If I did I was unappreciative of everything he had done for me.
I realized that time spent apart was a whole lot easier, more pleasant that time together. I looked for ways to travel on my own, or live in a different location because of the kids’ school. It was just easier!
Even though I knew that time apart was better for my psychological health and well-being, a symptom of a toxic relationship, I excused it away by believing that he was simply spoiled, that overall our marriage was good because there were trips, beautiful residences, expensive clothing and furnishings, etc. I believed from time to time that he had changed, that God had answered my prayers through changing HIM, that my example of forgiveness, unending kindness (not complimenting myself as this was not a good thing) had accomplished its goals.
How did I get here, How did I finally get out?
MY DAUGHTER ASKED “Mom, do you know that Dad is a narcissist?” I replied, “What is that?”
With my daughter’s question, I began to explore a multitude of references – books, articles, podcasts – and discovered my difficult reality. Early on, was a book entitled “Gaslighting” – the first eyeopener as to how HE operated and got his way. Then there was a plethora of checklists – everywhere – and I was checking off every line item – OH MY GOSH!!! And, All references point out that the Narcissist will NEVER CHANGE! They are very good at disguising remorse and doing whatever they had to do to get their way. It was a tough pill to swallow. And the guilt set in – how could I have done this for so many years, how could I have set such an example for my kids?
But, not until I became educated, and accepted my situation did I become able to separate, heal, and maybe forgive myself.
I discovered that every list of symptoms, I was placing a checkmark that my situation fit the bill, that HE is truly a narcissist! Maybe even has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This was very different from my perspective of so, so, so many years. I simply thought his need to always have attention, to always be right was simply that he had been spoiled by his parents and his aunts (who were additional “parents” in his life).
I began to increasingly stand up for myself! You have to realize that HE did not like to ever have a conversation with anyone but himself participating, even when I was right there with him. One morning over our routine cup of coffee, I was not being compliant – whatever the topic was on that particular morning – HE became increasingly agitated. HE asked me, “If you are lucky and have 20 more years to live, what are you going to do?”.
HE meant that I should go back to being less difficult, that “arguing” with HIM was not the choice I should make. ( I should explain that “arguing” with HIM was anything that went beyond a one-sided conversation about anything.) HE just simply did not know what a conversation was, that if I did anything other than nod my head, simply say OK, to EVERYTHING that he brought up, daily activity, politics, what the kids (adults) were doing, that I was simply giving him a rough time, that I was looking for a fight.
The way I took the “20 years” was: Did I want to wake up even 5 years from now and say “I did the same thing for 5 more years”! I absolutely did not want that and no matter how difficult it was going to be, I was DONE. I began making a plan to leave. Find a way to get out!
My entire life had been about appeasing him, him, him. Who I was and what I loved were lost somewhere in my past and I could not remember who that person was anymore.
I began to dream about who would I be in 5 or 10 years?
